dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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