im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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