my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
