turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
