dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
