She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
