Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
