I wanna bring you to show and tell
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
