...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
