Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just high enough for therapy.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
