Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
