saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
