If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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