just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
