When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
