Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
