You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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