I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
