Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
