i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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