i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
