I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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