Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
