my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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