Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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