Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
