I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
