I can text with my tongue
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
