remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
