Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize