You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My cat gives me a boner
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
