I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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