I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
