WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize