I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
