Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
