I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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