How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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