Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
