The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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