the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
