You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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