the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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