At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
