just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
