I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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