dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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