the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
