pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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