If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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