look no pants
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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