Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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