im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
