you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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