Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
