I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
