Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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