youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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