yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
