i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
